Archive for Out of Balance

The Hardest Day Yet

{ Saturday, June 5, 2010 @ 22:31 p } · { Care Give, Out of Balance }
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Yes, I still try to find the good in each day and usually do.  The part that’s changed is that I can no longer force myself to maintain this forced feeling.

I care give for my father by doing all his book-keeping, shopping, grocery shopping and cleaning for starters.  Today we had to take my huge dog and dad’s little dog to the Vet for shots.  It was so difficult to balance all the dogs and my father too.  He loves getting out and I don’t blame him one little bit.  For me, this is not an idea of an outing.  I’d rather get the errands over with and go home to work on my PC and where I am comfortable, earning a little extra money.

Several of my web and writing projects are at critical stages and I must stick with it and get them done.  By now, I would be finished with all my projects and starting my marketing.  Not this round, no matter how important this round is, I must wait.

In addition to the realization that I have no control over how things turn out with my web and writing business and current clients, I have no control when my father gets in rare form and does everything should not do, or he does not do most of what he should do like use his cane and walker.  It is so dangerous when shuffles around without the assistance of  his walker.  We are trying exercises.  He needs to do to get stronger.  I got Lifeline for my father and he does not want to wear the functional device that makes the unit work.  Do you see what I mean?  After dealing with this behavior for 6 hours in a row, I was beyond ready to return home for the night and pretend none of the bad part of the day ever happened.

I must be sinking to an all time low with all the responsibilities making is hard to find the good in each day.  It is so easy to help others and so hard to follow your own advice.

Signed net to ~ Think Clear ~

Where Does Time Go?: It’s June 2010 Already

{ Thursday, June 3, 2010 @ 22:01 p } · { Out of Balance, Schedule Fun }
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When I think about all the things I have on my calendar for the first half of June, it almost makes me want to cry.  I don’t want my life to be like this.  I feel that I am at the point of asking for help a couple of times of week when it comes to my father.  This will allow me to do more work and earn money which I need.

This scenario gets me, and it has happened numerous times to me.  When it comes to one of the fun things listed on my calendar, I end up too sick to go, or I overworked myself to the point that I cannot consider attending, instead I require sleep and rest. So while I am trying to catch up with myself, while all my friends are gathered in one spot enjoying each others company. I am truly happy for them, but it would be so awesome to be sharing the experience with them.

A few times that I was too sick to attend, it was one of my favorite car shows of the season.  Now what?  How do you get that back?  Some of my friends come from other states to attend these car shows.  I don’t like having or buying “things”, instead I enjoy doing “things, traveling, visiting with friends, and seeing the world.” Meaning I am not a materialistic by nature.  There is a big difference.

I want to slow down my pace of life, so I have time to make appointments, enjoy my family and friends.  I am not able to schedule time for fun, at this point in my life. Stop and spend some time staring at the moon.  Go to the ocean for the day (is it still free to enter the State Parks?).  When my children were small, I took them to the ocean frequently.  We all enjoyed ourselves, playing in the tide pools. We always flew kites at the beach.  Now that sounds like fun to me.

Until I am able to enjoy my version of life, I will continue to search for peace, inner happiness and strength. It is not going to be an easy thing to change my mind-set but it is necessary for my sanity and the sanity of people around me (lol).

Dig deep for your inner strength ~ Think Clear ~



Lots of Projects – Too Many Responsibilities

{ Sunday, May 23, 2010 @ 22:55 p } · { Out of Balance }
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It is so difficult for me to decide if I should help out more with the manual chores when I know that my neck and back cannot handle any more pain,  after helping.

My heart is in a good spot.  If I need help, I ask for it.  I do need my youngest son to stop doing things that make his life harder.  I cannot help him when he is not helping himself.  It is a tough love technique.  When my mother was alive she agreed with me. I have so many questions I NEED to ask her, but she passed away.

I care gave for my mother, as well as my father and half  sister.  Together we all did a fine job.  My sister helped herself to things she wanted around the house when no one else was in the house with her.  My mother would tell  me that she hears my sister going through the drawers.  I didn’t confront my sister, but after my mother passed, my father had progressed with Parkinson’s disease – he had a hard time with his short term memory.  My sister never came over again, after my mother passed away.

One day my sister left me a voicemail. She was yelling me telling me I need to pay more attention to her.  She always makes plans then calls me to reschedule and reschedule and reschedule to point that we never get together.  This has gone on for years.  Now, I don’t want to ride that roller coaster ride of hers.

That means I am the only one here to help my father many years later.  My very best friend helps me too.  But there are repairs around the house that we just cannot handle.

As for me, I feel like I have too much on my plate. I cannot keep track of everything or take care of everything.  There is just too much for one person.  I need to find some one to help me with my father so I can take a vacation and get away for some quiet time.

As I mention in the title, many of us have lots of project – too many responsibilities that we expect ourselves to finish.  In reality, it’s at a pace of life that is way too fast and unhealthy fort humans.  Some can handle more than others.  I have been care giving since 2006.

We all need to acknowledge we are not living life, instead we are just going through the motion of living.  Living, is supposed slower and meaningful.

Good luck to all and may you find a way to fit balance in your life.

God Bless you all ~ Think Clear~

Another Day

{ Monday, May 17, 2010 @ 22:47 p } · { Out of Balance }
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Today I was able to shop for my father’s groceries and get him setup for this week with food.  He loves bananas. There is never too many bananas.

I still was sulking in my heart knowing I missed out on so many one of kind memories, with many of my best-friends and their hot rods of course. I was looking forward to visit with some friends that where hauling down their sweet rides from Iowa. I was looking forward to getting to visit with them and have some fun together. We are all car lovers. It’s the American way!

That’s it for tonight.  Sleep tight.  I have to watch some T.V. tonight as I spend all my time working and learning online.   Bye Bye ~Think Clear ~

Change In Plans

{ Sunday, May 16, 2010 @ 22:11 p } · { Out of Balance }
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Yes people there is a change in plans. All that nice stuff from earlier it is in the past now. That was from my good side and now may I introduce my mad side.  It’s not fair that I can’t be at a place that my heart longs to go,  just because of a stupid disease.

My friend txt me a couple of times.  Her car, the black ’55 Chevy is parked in between 2 yellow deuce coups. I want to be there.  Does anyone hear me. I am yelling now.  I want to be there.  I love the adrenaline rush you get.  I get that same feeling when I drive my ’55.        8pm right now

My father called and made me feel 3 feet tall.  I feel so guilty.  He’s been eating sandwiches for two days now.  It just seems to get better.  But, just not for me! I have had it.  That is a fact, Jack.

I just want to reiterate my feelings about how upset I am about the pieces of time I have lost. I want them all back.  It is my own problem and my own fault. The fact that I have no control is important to remember. Who is going to give me my time back? Face it, it’s over. It’s the way it goes. Move on and blah blah blah.

I need a brand new book in my life, not a chapter.  I need a new book to live and write.   It’s all I can think about.  I visualize scenes.  I need to move up to an awesome writing opportunity. I would appreciate some advice.

Signed “not sure”  ~Think Clear ~

I Need a Nice, Long Vacation and You?

{ Sunday, May 16, 2010 @ 22:30 p } · { Out of Balance }
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Not sure where to begin. I have so many feelings flowing through my veins. I didn’t make it to one the best Car Shows with true ’50s nostalgia, in Petaluma, CA where the original movie was filmed by George Lucas. This show draws a huge amount of spectators and the city of Petaluma is behind this event 100%.

Back in the day, I cruised the very same boulevard on Friday and Saturday nights. The only difference now is my age (of course), and that we don’t have to follow stop signs and stop lights, in specific spots thus allowing all the hot rods that entered to be able to take part in the cruise, after the show ‘n shine is over. The weather is perfect – sunny, but not too hot or too cold, and nice little breeze, which is welcomed is you happen to be standing directly in the sun.

One of my best friends is at the center of this event because she owns an original 1955 Chevy Hrd Top – Bel Air. She is a solid black beauty. I had shot-gun all night if I want. Many others start to jump in and out of other people’s hot rods. It is such a blast – laughing – out of control with dignity, listening to Wolfman Jack. Live music on different street corners.

A blast for everyone with our without a hot rod in the show. I have my own hot rod (’55 Chevy 210 Sedan), but she is 4 speed and when we cruise slow in parades, or something like this cruisin’ the boulevard event causes my baby to over heart, even with a four core radiator – go figure.

The reason I am writing about this is because I am at home, dealing my issues of/about life, instead of the Car Show where I’ve been looking forward to going. It totally sucks. I am trying to stay in good spirits, while doing a few things on my personal “honey to do” list. I am the one who completes items on the list; It is my list after all, yes?

Today I am thankful that my neck and shoulders are feeling much better. I suffered for 5 days. So now all I am dealing with (STILL) is my stomach issues. The meds are not helping. I am so tired of dealing my sissy health issues – I am too young to carry this level of responsibility on my shoulders (no pun intended) while dealing my own nightmares.

My dad needs a few things from the grocery store and I can’t drive because of the meds I had to take today, and on top of that, I am sick. I live about 25 minutes away. It’s a shame there’s not someone local who could do this for me and my father.

I am at the point where I need help. It would only be on an as need basis for now. During the times when I am not well, and we have someone to help my father, this will help me with time to fight my way back to health.

There are two things that help me continue pushing through these hard times. One is my little family = father, my children, and my grandchildren. The second thing that helps me push forward is taking an awesome vacation every year for 3 weeks minimum. Even if I don’t paid time off – that’s life and vacation helps me stay on track.

The pot of gold at the end of the year – that’s my version of the saying (lol).

Believe or not, I feel a bit better than I did before I started to blog today – I dub this “Blog Therapy”

I hope everyone in cyberspace has a wonderful weekend and be thankful for the small things that we do have.  All the best ~ Think Clear ~

Hanging On By A Thread

{ Monday, April 12, 2010 @ 22:39 p } · { Out of Balance }
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Yep, that’s how I feel about life quite often lately.  I feel like I am hanging on by a thread.  Sometimes that piece of thread feels like it is going to break.  The thought of it breaking does not worry me.  I feel like I have fought to keep my life on track for most of my life.

Right now, I think it is possible that many people, in the world, are also feeling overwhelmed with life.  I know I am not alone with my feelings.  I realize many people feel as I do right now.  I would like to connect with a few people who feel like life is out of balance.

If you are out there, please blog me back – I would like to connect.

Tonight is another typical crazy Sunday evening rush – laundry, deadlines, and the rest………

Regards, Think Clear

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